


Pain

by Nagiru



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: (and it's kinda outdated these spoilers but just to be sure), (or well anime as well since the last season I guess), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Slash, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 05:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12247848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nagiru/pseuds/Nagiru
Summary: Apathy is more hurtful than any hate, and Allen Walker understands that perfectly. Fear and apathy corrupt people.Kanda Yuu, however, wouldn’t let this boy be corrupted — not while he belongs to him.





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Let me begin with the Disclaimer, this time around: D.Gray-man does not belong to me, nor do the characters. The story is mine, and I wrote it with no monetary desire.
> 
> Now that that's out of the way: so, this might come as a little of a surprise for those who've read some of my stories, or seen my profile before, but... yeah, I've actually been a Yullen writer for a _very_ long time. I just stopped writing it, like... three years ago? I used to write a Yullen per year, at least, for June 6th (Kanda Yuu's birthday), and, yeah... yeah. Anyway, I wrote those in Portuguese, so I've been reading them, these days, and was like, "oh, some of these are even passable. Let me just rewrite them. You know. And translate them, in the process." So, I did just that. Or, better said, I'm _doing_ just that.  
>  Pain is the first of those I've translated. And rewritten. Like, it went from having 1,3k words to having 2,3k words. And it became a lot more serious, because in my first version, the suicide attempt was dealt like, "hey, you're an idiot" and they were fine. It was stupid. I tried to make that better, somehow. I mean, it's still suicidal, this one oneshot. And there's no real healing here, but... I tried to make it at least a little bit more realistic. Not much, it still sounds fantastical, but, hey. It's better than my, ah... 14-years old conception, at least.  
> Hope you enjoy it?

**_One-shot — Pain_ **

It was the third running week in which Allen didn’t see either the Order nor any other exorcist. It was the third running week since he had “ran” from everyone and thing — except that which he most wished to escape, himself.

Since it had been made known the fact about him, he had ran. Ran so he wouldn’t see the fearful, hateful faces around him. Hate for what he was — or for what he would come to be —, hate for having used them. Fear that he would kill them.

Allen did not blame them. He feared himself. Feared the fateful time in which he would lose control. Feared for his friends. He trembled from the idea that someday, some time, he would try to kill them — kill his _family_. But he was the 14th. He was a _Noah_ … He was an _enemy_. The enemy of all exorcists that fought against the Earl.

But that wasn’t everything. Yes, he had ran from the fear that was as big as his own. However, he had also run from the apathy. The hate, the fear… those, he could deal with — he knew that, at least, no one would be caught unaware, no one would be an easy target. But apathy…

He ran from Kanda Yuu, who had miraculously stopped hating him! — because he cared not for him, anymore. What a _great_ thing.

Whether Allen agreed or not, he knew he had fallen beyond those levels he himself could forgive himself for; he had fallen for the level of a sinner.

Yet, Allen wished for him, who had never liked him all that much (and he was being nice, right now), and that had slowly, progressively, stopped admitting his existence. Allen wished for him — he _longed_ for him —, and that was beyond his own limits; because he knew that, for Kanda, he could be compared to an akuma corpse.

While they fought, at least Allen knew that Kanda was being honest — Allen knew _he_ , himself, was honest —, and that had always cheered him up. Kanda was so different, so simple… He never pretended to like Allen, but at least he had never lied. And, as long as Kanda recognized he was something — maybe not a human, but at least a living being —, it would be enough…

Except. Except that, when Kanda heard. He heard the same as everyone else. That Allen was a monster. A trap waiting to clamp down his teeth on those who surrounded him. A time bomb. An enemy, waiting to be slayed.

After that, everything changed. Allen was alone, his safe ground shattered. Because the only person he never wanted to change had changed. Because all that Allen wished for was those moments where he would trade blows with Kanda, even if for no other reason than to keep his mind.

But even that was long gone.

And if Allen couldn’t live for him… if he had to stain the hands of any one of his friends… Then… there was no reason for him to still be alive. Living with fear and apathy destroyed even the strongest of men — and that wasn’t Allen.

**.**

 

Three weeks. Three weeks since Kanda had last seen that Moyashi. Three weeks since he had felt actually alive. How had he _dared_ to run like that?

Of course, Kanda would never let that go. If the Moyashi thought he could escape — then, obviously, Kanda would need to show him that he was _wrong_. He would bring him back and stay by his side, because he had to make sure that he was still the Order’s Moyashi, and not out of control — that was the whole reason.

That, of course, was the only reason why he couldn’t let the stupid idiot do this stupidity.

“Moyashi!” he roared, every nerve in his body shouting at him to _run_. Anger boiled inside of him, growling its ugly head at the sight. Anger… and fear. Fear of losing that stupid thing.

“K-Kanda?” stammered him turning around, looking straight at Kanda with big, surprised eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Stopping an idiot,” Kanda grumbled back, taking the last steps to the smaller boy before him — and punching him in the face. He fell to the ground, knife following him with a dull, metallic sound. “What were you planning to do with that, you moron?!”

“I…” Allen did not even try to get up, face turned away. Kanda could see half of his face, and it showed an utterly lost expression. “I just… didn’t want… anyone _staining_ their hands…”

The last part was barely a whisper, hoarse and thick with tears, but it pissed him off.

“You stupid, moronic, imbecilic Moyashi,” he growled, kneeling by his side. He took Allen’s face in hands and forced him to stare at him. “You’ll never… _never_ do that again. _Never_. Do you hear me?”

“Y-Yes…” stammered Allen again, trying to look away with the most stupid blush on his face. I huffed, irritated with his lack of attention and decided to fix it.

“You’re _mine_ ,” I ordered smirking at his red, open face.

_Mine_.

 

**.**

Allen tried to kill himself. He told himself he did, anyway. He bought a knife from a random store, he never even glimpsed at it to _see_ if it would serve his purpose, he just wanted to hold something… to feel like he was _doing_ something.

He never got that far, actually.

He stumbled, running, into the forest, the forest that had been haunting his dreams these last few days. He stumbled, ran, fell and cried, and all the while, he heard only the thumps of his heart in his ears.

At some point, staring blankly at the ground, he let himself a moment of happiness. A moment to dwell in dreams and memories. A moment of smiles and tears, because it was… over.

He felt afraid, of course. He knew he was trembling, and he felt colder than ever, but he also felt… right. He felt this was the right thing to do. He felt that, this time, at least, he would be saving someone…

Even if his dreams never came true. Even if the hoarse voice would never call his name, and even if he would never more see that sharp face. Even if the muskiness would never be on _his_ skin, shared with warmth and, maybe, a smile.

He would never…

He blinked — and smiled grimly.

Well, he never knew he had such a good imagination.

The voice sounded so _real_. His dreams had always had this vague, hazy feeling to them, but it looked like he’d have a last moment of peace before eternity. What would you know.

After a couple seconds, he smiled bitterly to himself — well, not even on his dreams Kanda managed to be kind to him, it seemed. It was worth a laugh, maybe. The way that Kanda’s voice sounded so _pissed off_ , calling him, greeting him with that _stupid_ nickname and…

Wait.

“K-Kanda?” he stammered and, no, no way; this _couldn’t_ be reality. It couldn’t. Kanda would _never_ be here, he would never be this close, he’d never be looking at him like… “What are you doing here?” Yeah, that’s it. This was a hallucination. He was just getting _really_ good at it.

Really.

Except.

Oh. Oh, Kanda _would_ punch him in the face. Ow.

He felt dull all over, yet his heart beat as fast as a hummingbird. He felt… _alive_. For the first time since _ever_ , he felt _alive_.

He focused back on Kanda, who looked incredibly _murderous_ , as he asked, “What were you planning to do with that, you moron?!”

And. Allen glanced at the ground, where the knife glittered, and he looked down at his own hands, dirty and so _ugly_ , and he. He didn’t get up. He felt he deserved to be here, on the ground, by Kanda’s feet. He felt… he felt underserving of Kanda’s attention. Of Kanda’s care.

“I… I just didn’t want… anyone staining their hands…” ha admitted, voice thick from the weight on his chest. His throat felt closed up, his eyes felt a blink away from tears, and he felt utterly _broken_. This was not supposed to happen. This was… This was supposed to be _peace_ …

“You stupid, moronic, imbecilic Moyashi.”

What? He felt hands on his face, and they were _warm_. Kanda was such a rude person, such a brute, and his hands were. Nice on his skin. Warm. Comfortable. They felt… right. And scary, because they were forcing him to look at Kanda, and Kanda looked pissed, but he also looked…

He looked…

“You’ll never… _never_ do that again. Never. Do you hear me?”

He looked _scared_.

They were harsh, but they were worried. They were… soft, at the edges, if that was possible. They were… Incredibly enchanting, in their dark depths, and Kanda… Kanda looked like a vengeful angel. Coming down to kill him…

And deciding to protect him, instead.

“Y-Yes…” he answered weakly, when he realized that Kanda was _still_ glaring at him, still expecting an answer, and. He tried to look away, because he couldn’t deal with this. He couldn’t deal with this Kanda, who wasn’t acting… who wasn’t acting Kanda-like. This was strange. This wasn’t something he knew how to deal with.

And he almost succeeded, really — his eyes were averted enough that he wasn’t forced to see Kanda’s eyes, at least, those dangerous weapons that he owned… But then, then Kanda took his breath away, and he felt so damn _flushed_ , he felt so _hot_ , he felt like. Like he’d die. When he didn’t _want to_.

Because. Because Kanda had… Kanda _had_ just said…

“You’re mine.”

… Hadn’t he?

… _Fuck_.

He tried to stammer an answer, he tried to struggle, he tried to raise his head, he tried to do _something_. This wasn’t anything he’d been expecting. This wasn’t something that just _happened_ in his life. He was the cursed boy. The one with the ugly arm. The one who’d been unwanted by both his blood and adopted family. He was…

He was a _monster_ …

Yet, there was no way around it: there were lips on his own, and they were _wonderful_.

 

**.**

 

Kanda could feel Allen shivering, could feel him surging against him, but as he never pushed him away, Kanda _pulled him closer_ , instead. It was instinctive. He had never _planned_ on kissing him, in the first place, it had just happened, and he wouldn’t regret that. Allen had looked perfect, so flushed and embarrassed, looking at him as if he’d hung the moon. If his guts told him, _‘kiss him’_ , kiss him he did.

And, fuck, did he taste good. He was so soft under his lips, his arm so warm under his hands, his hair so soft between his fingers. He was thin, and smooth, and warm, and he felt like… like the lotus, burning inside of him. He felt like safety. Like home.

It felt like _life_ , in a world that had only seen death.

And as Allen recovered and reached for him, he let him. He let him, because it felt right. He let him, because Allen was making the most adorable sounds, and because he felt so nice trembling in his arms, and because the kiss was so much _better_ when Allen kissed him back, when his lips moved against his own. Because when Allen opened his mouth, and their tongues touched each other, it felt like a spark had been born into his brain, and Kanda was instincts and hormones, and for the first time ever, he was something base that wasn’t meant to _kill_.

For the first time ever, Kanda felt like he was alive.

“K-Kanda…” Allen moaned, when they pulled apart, breathing heavily against his skin. He looked perfect, he felt perfect, he smelt perfect, and Kanda just wanted to _kiss him again_.

But there was something important for him to say, first.

“You are mine,” he repeated, wanting to make a point. “Only _mine_. Which means, only I can hurt you, only I can kill you… and only I can care for you. You are not allowed to break these rules. You are not allowed to possess yourself. I will make _sure_ your goddamn ass makes through, do you understand me?”

Allen blinked, heavy and slow, and he blushed in a very curious way. And then, those tears, stuck to his eyes, seemed to become heavier, because suddenly he was _crying_ , and Kanda couldn’t deal with a crying person. He just couldn’t.

So. He kissed him.

“A-Are you sure?” Allen asked, pulling away way too soon for Kanda’s liking. “Are you _sure_ you want me by your side?”

Kanda rolled his eyes. Was his Moyashi _this_ dumb?

“Until death do us part,” he promised, voice low and dark.

Finally, he understood. And Allen’s smile… it was incredible. The first true smile Kanda had seen on Allen’s face in a _very_ long time.

“Always. Always yours,” Allen agreed, breathless, awfully cheerful, hugging Kanda close. “I just hope you won’t grow to regret that.”

Kanda smirked. “I could say the same, _my_ Moyashi. I do not promise gentleness. I do not promise kindness. And I _do_ promise that you’ll be _mine_ , only mine. And anyone who _dares_ to try and take you from me…”

Allen smiled back at him, and Kanda let himself soften up at this moment, because they had come _way_ too close to a point of no return, and this still could happen again, because this was just the start. Even so, he let himself be pulled closer, he let himself be kissed, because this was _his Moyashi_ , the only person he’d ever wanted, the only person he’d ever own. And just like he was the only one allowed to touch him, the only one to see him on his highs and lows, the only voice to guide him through his darkest moments, the only body to hold him, and the only one to mark him… Well. Until death do us part. In the end, that vote was a two-way thing, wasn’t it?

 

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone interested, I should rewrite/translate at least two more oneshots. And I do have one already translated (which, I guess, was translated before Pain?), but I have to edit it. And maybe rewrite it, because it sounds kinda silly, now that I read it... gods... Anyway. There's also a Tyki/Allen I plan on rewritting/translating, and _maybe_ a Cross/Allen. Oh, and if I ever find my Neah/Mana, there's that as well. Hm... (never quite got around to writing the Neah/Allen I wanted; oh, well).  
>  Hope you've enjoyed this story. Please, if you did, let me know. Kudos make me happy, but comments make me even happier!


End file.
